im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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