Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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