so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
