Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
