I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
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