Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
