You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Did you pee in the oven last night??
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
