Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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