I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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