i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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