I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
