You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
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