dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
