Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
