found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
