so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
