then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
