tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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