I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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