a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
