I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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