I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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