sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
