4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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