Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
