I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
