It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
