Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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