Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
