the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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