I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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