I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
