Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
