I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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