she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
