It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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