this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
