return my video game
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
