8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
