areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
