Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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