Im at strip club and am horny
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
