for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
