I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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