Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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