I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
