In the future we'll all be gay
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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