Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
