1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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