you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she pinky promised me she was 18
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
